mental support needed (moral issues)

[b33g]

Hi. I do not know where else to go so I came here for some support.

I am not sure if this is the right place, but I do feel that besides advice given on playing, we also do need to be able to support each other mentally. I have seen in the chem forum, that some wise members giving out great advices, though not always music to the ears. Nevertheless, I do respect these members highly. A lot of times when we participate in risky activities, we are just caught in the heat of the moment and days later we just feel that how could we be so stupid.

So here is what happened to me and I would appreciate any support from any of the members.

I need to start with my own relationship. I am domestic partnered with an open relationship. We have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy. I played with other man and I never feel guilty about it. I always practice safe sex.

Well, things have changed. I met this nice guy online. We flitered a bit and two weeks later, this weekend, he came to my place and spent the night.

The problem is the alcohol. We did not do any drugs. We had a few drinks. Then his personality changed. He is more relationship oriented and he was very attracted to me. However, he lamented the fact that I was taken and confronted me with my past sexual history. I was honest. I slept with other men and I practice safe sex. I do not feel bad about saying that. He got a bit intimidated by my history and went into the denial mode. "This is not going to work", he said, "I want to have you but I cannot have you."

I had a bit too much to drink. I felt bad for him. I rested my head on his chest, assuring that everything is okay. We started playing and we started doing poppers. Then the effect from alcohol started kicking in. I was out of it. He put balls in me and I took all of them. Then he wispered in my ear "I trust you. I am coming in". I was a fool who lost control due to the alcohol and let him bareback me. That was it. I lost control.

We woke up a few times during the night and got horny. I wanted to have him inside of me again. But the effect from alcohol has worn out and I became cautious again.

In the morning, we discussed about this. I said that in the future I don't want to do this again. He assured me that he is negative. I am still paranoid and I cannot rest easily for the whole day.

Aside from the HIV perspective, what makes me really feel bad is that I bb with someone other than my partner. I love my partner deeply and this time, I really feel that I have chated him. Yes, we have an open relationship. Yes we both fucked around. We promised only bareback with each other. I broke the promise. I feel that I am responsible for his and my well being. And the fact that I share this intimacy with another human being just makes me feel so bad.

Many of you might think that this is not a big deal. But I want to say this. I need to draw a line. This time I have crossed my line and I definitely feel horrible about this. I do not want to do it again.

This is the part of support that I need from you. I know that I would break my partner's heart if I tell him about this. I am deeply sorry but it will not change the fact that I did it. I need to face it. Should I face it alone and make a rule of not playing under influence in the future. Or should I have a deep and long discussion with my partner? I am afriad that I will never win his trust again.

Deeply troubled,

[owen2032]

Go get tested first and see where things stand. If I were in your place I would keep it to myself if I was neg, but if the test came out poz, I'd talk to him about it. I've cheated on my past GF's and it did make me feel like shit (as it should) but i got over it and things went back to normal. If gay relationships are anything like straight ones then they WILL forgive but they will NEVER forget. The important thing is that you still love him deeply and care for him. In my eyes if you care for him, telling him can hurt him more. It really depends on the type of person he is. My 2 cents.

[b33g]

Thank you for replying Owen.
This is good advice. However, there is one thing that I am even more fearful of.

My partner and I do bb sex. Let's say, hypothetically, he wants to do it again in the near future. What am I going to do? If I pull away without telling him, he will be able to figure it out himself and will hurt him more. If I shut up and take it up my ass, I would feel even more horrible because not only have I put myself in danger, I also have put his life in danger. I care too much about him to allow this to happen.

Everybody's situation is different. We have different standards. I am not saying that my standard is higher. I appreciate your input. What bothers me is that I have a standard and I am the one who compromised it. Another friend told me that I would live easier with myself if I first forgive myself and tell him about it. Though telling him will hurt him, but that probably would be cause the minimal harm. It may also be the right thing to do. Anyone?

Owen. Again thank you for your input. I feel horrible now and am grateful that you care to reply.

Deeply troubled,

[owen2032]

Hmmmmm. OK here's what you can do.

Tell him that you spent the night with someone who used protection but there was a time during play where you're not sure if he removed the protection or it ripped or something like that. Then tell him that you want to get tested to be sure that everything is OK but until then, he needs to use a condom. Not hard to do and you're not exactly lying, you're more or less bending the truth.

[b33g]

Owen:
Thanks for the advice. I will give it a thought.
I believe now I need to do some thinking to process how much I sabotaged my own relationship with a man whom I really care about due to my lack of judgement.

I am a human. I made a mistake. I need to learn from this mistake so this will never happen again.


Deeply troubled,

[roman30guy]

I can understand your dilema, but ultimately you need to ensure your partners safety. You were perhaps wreckless with your own, yet you are not the first, or last.

You must get tested as soon as possible, as much for your own state of mind if anything. If you explain to the doc's what happened, they will understand your anxiety and may help to speed things up with the results, although you wont be sure completely for six months.

With regard to telling your partner, if you can get away with not telling the detail, then perhaps things will work out. As Owen suggested, perhaps say the condom broke. If things work out, then consider it a lesson learned, but DO learn from it.

Let us know how things go & good luck.

[str8jkt]

I can tell you from personal experience, alcohol and sex do not go together unless it is with someone you have a relationship with. My story is similar and not.

I am bi, 2-3 months into my marriage, I went to a party and get pretty wasted. i ended up fucking this girl and not really remembering any of it. At that time, my friends did not intervene other than to make sure they told this girl, whom was sober, that she needed to put a condom on me because I was married and she did not need to end up pregnant.

The next day, I kinda figured out what happened and I too had the dilemma of telling the one I loved. That choice was made for my when my friends called me later that day and told me that Holly had told her boyfriend that I had raped her. I told my wife, it was painful, but she was understanding and we are still together.

BTW, those people and i are no longer friends, yea they told her to put a condom on me, but had they been true friends.... they would had made sure it never got that far.


I know what you are feeling what what is running through your mind. Time heals all wounds and we must learn from our mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself you you will end up in a tail spin that you will find hard to recover from.

[b33g]

Thank all the wise ones for the advice.

I cerntainly feel better after a couple days of contemplation.

After confessing to two friends, one being a close friend of my partner and me, I decided to tell my partner about it.

I have no execuse. Ultimately I made the decision of drinking more than I could handle. Though when he entered me without a condom I had almost no control over myself, I am still responsible for the action that I did and whatever consequences may entail.

And I completely agree with roman30Guy, that I need to ensure the safety of my partner. I love him. I want to take care of him for the rest of my life. We have been together for more than 7 years and if I hide this from him, I can no longer look him into the eyes and tell him that I love him.

We have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy. I broke the bond by sharing the kind of intimacy that I am only supposed to be sharing with him with another man. I am wrong.

I truly believe that our relationship can handle this hicup. I need to learn from my mistakes instead of pretending that it never happened.

Thank you, gentle and wise folks. The kind of support that you showed really makes this a better place. Not only can some of us play hard, but can also be responsibile for ones own doing.

Feel pround to be part of the community, folks.

[mackie]

i agree with the responses on how to relate this incident with your bf.
But i feel it is crucial to avoid seroconverting. this fling may not even know his exact status. have you consider seeing a physician immediately re PEP (post exposure prophylacsis)? ie taking hiv med for some weeks to avoid seroconverting? drastic action but the alternative could be worse.